it was just a game

they used to play this game on me. simply a game. a cruel game.

it was a game i only allowed few people to play. only the few people i cared about. which, now that i think back on those days, i should have been smarter about. i was loyal to them, but were they loyal to me? i had no idea. i still don't now. but back then, it was a question that could not be questioned, and probably, would not have been answered.

pretty sad, really.

the game went something like this. a person was chosen to be the "Wind". the Wind is then ignored by the rest of the players. whatever the Wind does, the players would say, "Did you feel the Wind?" whatever the Wind says, they would say, "Did you hear the Wind?" it was a game of permitted ignorance. ignoring. to ignore and be ignored.

i was naive. i was always the Wind.

i let them. i was so starving for somekind of relationship with the people around me, i accepted all kinds of treatment that, to myself in the present day, would not have allowed. i look back at those days occasionally, and i shake my Past and ask her why. why? why?

why did you let yourself become a wind? why did you let yourself be blown away? you pathetic piece of shit, did you really think they cared for you at all?

no one cares about the Wind. that was the point of the game. a point i never understood, or refused to understand. but sometimes... even now... i feel the Wind inside me, convulsing, ripping me apart, tearing my skin to escape.

and i always, always hear the Wind, no matter how much they ignored it.