A Cup o' Createavity

2011-04-06T05:27:00.005-04:00

I moved!

Find me at my new proverbial corner of the Internet HERE.

A WRITER BY DEFAULT

2010-11-15T09:22:00.001-05:00

A fellow aspiring TV writer asked me what my “default” was yesterday. I was confused. Were we not writers by default? And everything else is a means?

SUMMERTIME

2010-05-23T17:00:00.023-04:00

To us geeks, dorks and nerds, summer signifies several things of varying importance, but all of them nonetheless vital to our survival:

1. TV series/season finales

2. Summer TV Hiatus

3. Summer Blockbusters

4. The San Diego Comic Con

For #1, I'll be ranting and raving about the finale episodes in real-time on Twitter. Feel free to join me or avoid me as you please.

I want to babble about #2 here instead.

For me, the Summer Hiatus provides the perfect vacuum for which to catch up with, or try out, new shows. Often, these are shows that have forever been piling up in my external hard drive.

Last year, it was Battlestar Galactica and Torchwood. Also last year, I quit my day job, and thus was able to start on a whole slew of new shows. During what was a self-imposed isolation in December and January, as I worked on my applications, I plowed through the entire ten seasons of Stargate SG-1 and its two movies (along with a season of Stargate Atlantis). Finally watched Firefly. Loved BBC's Being Human. Decided I wanted to write a spec for Syfy's Sanctuary. Seriously considered moving to Vancouver to find a PA or a writer's assistant job.

But I digress.

So what will I be watching this summer? There sure are a lot of shows I've been dying to try out. First, here are the shows that I've already begun to watch quite some time ago and need to catch up with:

"House MD"

Why: Because sources say this season (6) was its best yet.

"Dexter"

Why: Also because season 4 was purportedly the best.

"NCIS"

Why: My friend @gryphonmetal keeps on telling me how good the later seasons are (I'm still on mid-season 5). Also, I'm curious to find out for myself why this particular procedural show gets some of the highest ratings week to week with an incredibly large fanbase.

"TSCC"

Why: Because so many loved the show and was shocked to see it go. I watched the pilot episode and a couple after that and really enjoyed myself. Was pleasantly surprised at how well written the show is.

And the shows I want to start/try out:

"Dollhouse"

Why: Because people were crying and throwing things at the Internet when it got cancelled. In my opinion, cancelled shows are always worth checking out. It will either suck, or blow your mind away and you'll find yourself throwing things with the rest of the world. Also, it's a Joss Whedon show. 'nuff said.

"Community"

Why: Because so many TV critics and writers on Twitter praise and love the show. A lot. Almost every single week. Thus caught my attention.

"Fringe"

Why: One of those shows that everyone talks about, like Chuck, or Legend of the Seeker. I know of some people who prefer this show over LOST.

"Spartacus: Blood & Sand"

Why: Because everyone started out dismissing and making fun of the show in the beginning, but by the end of its first season, were all won over. I loved GLADIATOR and enjoyed 300, so chances are I'll like the show.

"The Pacific"

"Treme"

Why: Another two shows that people went bananas over how good they were when it aired. Not sure if people still like The Pacific as much, but everyone definitely continues to rave about Treme. (Some say I should ignore the two and watch The Wire instead.)

Yup, that sure is a lot of TV I'll be watching. I'm excited. Now if only the sun would come out, so that I can kick back, barefeet, with cold beer in hand, and enjoy my summer as I should.

+ Other shows on my radar: Breaking Bad, Justified, Chuck, Entourage, Leverage, Eureka.

THEY MUST GO WHEN THEY MUST GO

2009-08-23T16:50:00.014-04:00

Bear with me while I post a series of mindless (or mind-full?) blurbs until Teh Exam is over. Then I will go back to happily raving/ranting about things TV, film, and other glorious shit.

D-15
A dragonfly perched on my windowsill last night. I waited for it to fly off every time the wind blew, but it sat there, unmoving. I couldn't resist but to whisper to it: Hello. Thanks for keeping me company tonight. When the sun rose, it was gone.

D-13
A stranger found me at an online community that I belonged to and posted a long tirade on my guestbook. Something about how people like me are corrupting the country. He ended the eloquence that was his message with "Bite your tongue and delete this post. Slut." I clicked around to find out that he was a Korean male living in New Zealand. I wasn't sure what to make of his message but mostly didn't fucking care. One click and I banned a stranger from my life forever. Just another day on the Internet.

D-12
Went stir crazy from not having left the house in ten days.

D-19
I am now taking the Big Scary Exam on the 15th instead. Then I'll be staying around in Tokyo for a couple of days days, hanging out with Gummybear, doing truly Japanese things like watch movies and eat tacos.

D-15
PANIC. Inhale, exhale. PANIC.

D-13
How can an L WORD reality show be any better than a spinoff? Showtime, what are you doing?

D-7
Inured. Studying by day, watching bad cable movies by night. The next few weeks are going to be madness.

SEEING DOUBLES

2009-07-04T07:15:00.009-04:00

Yesterday I spent more time catching up with trailers, including an upcoming vampire movie titled DAYBREAKERS, which seems to be a combination of vampires, CHILDREN OF MEN, and I AM LEGEND. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's noticed the uncanny similarity between the posters for DAYBREAKERS and 28 DAYS LATER.

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

2009-07-01T14:16:00.020-04:00

Trying to figure out how to be a productive bum now that I am no longer stuck in the gray office cubicle.

Meanwhile, we finally have the long-awaited release of feature Japanese animated film, EVANGELION 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance. Finally hit the theatres last week in Japan. Here's a yummy trailer:

+ (two days later)
Wow, to the point of almost creepy. Apple's movie trailers page just uploaded the trailer for EVANGELION 1.0: You Are (Not) Alone. This first installment opened in Japanese theatres almost two years ago, and I'm pleasantly amused to find that it made its way all the way to the US. I'm sure anime otakus and nerds will be thrilled by the US opening of this cult animation series. Very few Japanese animation feature films make it to US theatres, with the exception of Ghibli Studio creations.

From the looks of the trailer though, the film seems to be horribly dubbed, but the quality of the animation/VFX, and the wonderfully multilayered angst/action/scifi/drama plot will blow many away...

... or not, as there is just as much flack against animation (or specifically the Japanese "anime") as there is on sci-fi, unfortunately.

So Spoke My Wise Friend

2009-06-22T05:26:00.002-04:00

Gummybear said to me: "It was fun watching you dig your own grave, then sink deeper and deeper into that hole, while you simultaneously grab the dirt and tinkle it over your head."

ALICE IN WONDERLAND (with a touch of Burton)

2009-06-22T04:11:00.016-04:00

USA Today's article "First Look: Tim Burton's Wonderland" allows us a sneak peek into one of the most anticipated Tim Burton projects, ALICE IN WONDERLAND. The film is to be released in March 2010.

I crawl and worship the ground Tim Burton walks on, but these promotional pics are... for the lack of a better word... mind-fucking-boggling. Allow me to explain:

Looks gorgeous, a garden full of fantastic childhood nightmares...

Very Burtonesque... I'm really digging the moody atmosphere...

Again, beautiful colors, and such creeptastic character designs...

...and then...

...here comes...

Mind-fucking-boggling.

*All imgs used in this post belongs to Disney Enterprises and produced by USA Today. No copyright infringement intended.

THE BATTLESTAR MAESTRO

2009-06-21T21:43:00.009-04:00

Bear McCreary was on NPR's All Things Considered being interviewed about his BATTLESTAR GALACTICA music. He was so incredibly enthusiastic talking about his music, sounding exactly like he does on his blog, and I was smiling like a creepy fangirl by the end of the nine minute interview.

The Interview

Not to go on sounding like a rabid fanatic, but Bear McCreary's blog is a goldmine for anyone who is passionate about TV and film soundtracks. The blog provides wonderfully juicy details on how the composer had come about creating a piece or theme for a particular episode, and McCreary has managed to do this for many, if not most, of season 3 and 4. Another fascinating aspect of the blog are the narratives of how he as the composer interacted with the showrunners and writers/scripts; this was particularly important for a show like BSG, as the music was intricately incorporated as part of the show's mythology. I should also add that it is very rare for someone of McCreary's caliber to be... blogging so often. Perhaps it is this very dedication to the blogosphere (which in essence, is pure fan service) that brings to him tremendously devoted followers.

As a scorenerd and fangirl, the blog has been for me a whole new musical experience. I hope that other composers would follow suit.

A DAY WITH CSS

2009-06-17T21:16:00.022-04:00

9:30 AM

Trying to figure out this new look for The Tissue Talk. I can already see myself tinkering with CSS tags instead of getting work done all day.

11:30 AM
Problem fixed! Hello to my new spankin' banner and the (relatively) new layout.

3:20 PM
I lied. The problem was fixed but I'm still fiddling around w/ the CSS/HTML tags. An aside: I told a client that what she was doing was a "BIG NO-NO," and later realized it probably wasn't the best phrase to use in a professional setting.

4:00 PM
V. short but a great read: "Minority TV writers find camaraderie" (VARIETY)

10:00 PM
On my way home, came across a Korean crew filming some soap opera for SBS (think Korea's ABC). A crowd had formed, making obnoxious noises, trying to get a good look at the Big Name actor. I watched in amusement/disbelief as a crew member lost his temper and got into a fist fight with a dumb civilian male who was trying to take pictures with his loud clicky camera right after the director had yelled out for them to NOT take any pictures. I learned something new today: Korean apple boxes can break quite easily.

YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO WORK

2009-06-13T00:54:00.016-04:00

I dream. I wake up. I brush my teeth, wash my hair. Take much too long trying to pick what to wear, because I remember I have a meeting that day. Stand for another few precious minutes, frowning at the wrinkles on the shirt, but I decide to wear it anyway. Now I'm already too late. I will surely miss the bus. I put on some light make-up, tie my hair up into a ponytail, and dab a drop of perfume on my wrist and neck. All's set. I'm already too late. Instead of taking the bus, my usual route, I take the taxi. 20 minutes until 9:30 AM. I'm already too late. I tell my taxi driver, a smelly old man, my destination. He grunts in response, and hits the accelerator like he's kicking a dog. He has all the windows pulled down, and the wind hungrily eats up my hair, leaving behind a garbled heap of black mess. 13 minutes left. It's gorgeous outside, and smells like puke and smoke inside. We pass by buildings, buildings, and more buildings. 7 minutes. The taxi driver zips right through the second red light, and I'm happy. 5 minutes... 3 minutes... Sweetmaker, we're here already!? I throw him the money, get out of the car, run across the street, enter the door, run up the stairs, and... I'm safe! 9:30 AM.

Sweating, my hair a mess. I sit down at my desk with a grunt, not unlike the taxi driver. I'm safe, but my co-worker is not. She's two minutes late, and the boss saw her. He knows, or he thinks he knows. He yells at her. She yells back. He yells at her twice as loud. He wins. Another day in the office. The secretary tells me my meeting is canceled. So much for the shirt. Lunch time, I eat lunch. I work, typing away at the keyboard, yawning every ten minutes. The new guy keeps on stealing glances at me every time I yawn or move. Whatever. I work until it is time to leave. 6:30 PM. I take the bus back, my usual route.

I come back home. I take my make up off, and slip into shorts and a t-shirt. I throw my wrinkled shirt into the washing machine. I make dinner. I eat while watching TV. North Korea. Influenza. Angry citizens protesting. Angry senators protesting. The president somewhere else, doing something else. Missing children turning up dead after a storm. I wash the dishes.

I decide to make some coffee. Oh shit, did I need to buy milk? Is there enough sugar? I rummage about. I smile. There is just enough milk and sugar to make one perfect cup of coffee.

Holding the cup in my hands, my lips perched on the rim, I sigh into it. I take a sip.

Soon I will wash up, then settle into my bed. I will close my eyes to fall asleep. I will dream.

So goes a day in life.

FOR YOUR EMMY CONSIDERATION

2009-06-08T02:15:00.021-04:00

The EMMY race is on. The war cries are deafening. The award consideration banners are all over the place, blinking, fading, luring, taunting, claiming all of their worth. Those who are no where near being eligible to vote can only watch from our lowly place behind the fences. I, too, rattle the impermeable chain links, shouting my support:

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA for OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES!

...is this all that I really wanted to say on this topic? I think it is.

Word stuck in my head: "hussy"
Music stuck in my head: "Blackout" (Asian Kung-fu Generation)

BUSY LITTLE BEE

2009-06-07T11:27:00.007-04:00

Had an extremely eventful weekend, which is a rare thing for me. I also purchased four very random DVDs, which were on sale (four for $10!). Now I own PAPILLON, THE ENGLISH PATIENT, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, and SINGIN' IN THE RAIN. Random is my middle name.

THE MAGICAL WHIRLPOOL

2009-06-04T04:32:00.026-04:00

Lots of things are happening out there, both in the Real World as well as in the magical whirlpool that is the show biz. It takes me two, three hours to make through all the news and blog rounds, and most of the time I'm not even reading the articles in full length. Despite my efforts to stay on top of things, to urge myself to become more interested in world politics and current events, I'm fighting a losing battle. At the end of the day, I find myself back swirling in my magical whirlpool.

Sadly here in the City of Soul, there exists only the Real Life, with not much magic to speak of. Perhaps this is the reason why Korea is one of the most wired nations in the world, with the highest broadband internet access per capita --- the rare viable magic that exists, can only be found on Teh Internet. Back in the offline Real World, the Koreans go about their lives, the politicians backstabbing each other on a daily basis, and the specter of the late ex-president still lurking around, haunting us. The threat of North Korea and the mysterious successor of Kim Jong-Il seems to be the least of worries for the proud people of South Korea.

If you ask me, I think the whole country is in fucking denial, but it's not the first time that this has happened, and it won't be the last.

Meanwhile, all the good magical stuff seems to be happening in LA. Elaborating on these "good stuff" may reveal just a little too much of my fangirl obsessions, so I won't go into detail. In this month of June, there is not one, but two Bear McCreary concerts, a signing event with notable film composers, a BSG-UN event, the LA Film Festival, the SD Comic-Con, and of course, the E3. All in LA. Lucky bastards.

These days, stuck in my gray office cubicle, I desperately try to remember why it was that I had wanted to come straight back to Korea after graduating from college. Now I want out again. I wish I were in LA. I played around with the idea of actually making a trip to SoCal this summer, but later thought better of it, what with the Oil Crisis, the Economy Crisis, and the recent 15% price increase in airplane tickets. We sure have seen better days.

For now, I'm going nowhere...

Word stuck in my head: "demagogue"
Music stuck in my head: THE PAINTED VEIL soundtrack (Alexandre Desplat)

IN DISTURBIA

2009-05-31T05:14:00.010-04:00

I just looked outside my window and saw something that freaked the fuck out of me:

Is that an ARM?

Death of a President

2009-05-27T02:00:00.012-04:00

LET IT GO, people. That's enough.

He committed suicide. He left his family to fend for themselves. He left it all behind by throwing himself off of the rocks situated behind his home, in the quiet town of Bong Wha. He was hardly an ordinary man, and he certainly did not choose an ordinary death. But his death was not a heroic one, nor was it martyrdom. It was an escape. Some might say an act of cowardice.

I am not writing this post to speak ill of the dead. That is not my intention. I am not affiliated with any political parties in Korea. While I was not a follower of Roh's presidency, I understand and respect that his policies had gained much support from a large percentile of Korea (and apparently, Kim Jong Il's attention as well). This is simply an act of transcribing my thoughts into words, so that I may make room in my brain for better things.

I question his decision to end his life the way that he did. The timing of it. The reaction of this self-acclaimed "developing-but-almost-developed" nation to the death of their ex-president. It rocked the nation hard, and the debris from the quake is everywhere. I can't escape from it, as I reside in the soul of Seoul; his death resonates in everything that I encounter living my daily life as a South Korean. His face and voice, the news of his death, and the aftermath, echoes in every medium available. Sometimes it sucks to live in the most wired country in the world. I'm afraid to turn on the TV, or listen to the radio, or even to check my e-mail, because it would be inevitable that I would stumble across yet another article remembering the greatness that was the life and death of the ex-president. I can't help but think, "Remind me again, how did he die?"

The government and media, they use a special word to refer to his suicide: "seogeo." This is a respectful term for the death of an individual who passed away. The correct meaning and usage of the word is still a hot debate among Korean netizens and bloggers, but nonetheless the word is uttered by all. It seems to me that we have suddenly forgotten that the word "suicide" exists in the Korean vocabulary. Or I apparently missed my memo that we as a nation are playing pretend.

Death after fighting years of cancer, THAT's deserving of respect. On the same day that Roh jumped off a cliff, a greatly respected and beloved Korean actress Eun-Ge Yeo had passed away after many years of fighting a heart disease. She was also a philanthropist, donating much of her money in secret for the betterment of society. The news of her death never made it to the mainstream that day. Granted, suicides make for better news....

There is no need for Roh's suicide to be turned into a heroic act, especially in a country that ranks as #1 worldwide in number of suicides. The current government is foolish for letting all this happen. If Roh had indeed lived in glory throughout his life as a human rights lawyer and president, than his actions should speak for themselves.

My disappointment also goes for the people. They have allowed their respect and sorrow for the death of a man to be transformed into unfounded and uncontrolled anger, which unsurprisingly have been channeled towards the current government. Lee's presidency has already suffered so many blunt force traumas that I don't know if it can survive another one without falling into a coma.

Roh deserves a decent funeral, yes, there is no doubt about that. But I don't know what to think of the 300+ "altars" temporarily stationed all over Seoul. I don't know what to make of his followers, the "NoSaMo" (short in Korean for "Those Who Love R. M. H."), who have thrown things, literally, at those who had anything to do with the downfall of Roh, including the current president. What citizens of a civilized nation shred to pieces the white flowers sent by a president, who only wished to pay his respects? I am angered every time I read about their highly unjustified attempts to prevent, using physical force bordering on violence, the members of the opposing party and those working for the current president from paying their respects at the altars.

We all need to take a step back and breathe, and let Roh rest in peace, not in pieces.

NEW THINGS THAT BE EXCITING

2009-05-23T01:00:00.028-04:00

1. New TV Shows:

(Go HERE to watch the promos/previews)

Remake of a 1984 science fiction TV series, "about an alien invasion of Earth by a carnivorous race of reptilians known as 'The Visitors'" (Wikipedia). I didn't see any reptilian invaders in the previews, so I'm assuming the aliens look like humans now... (sound familiar?)

THE DEEP END

Seems like an ALLY McBEAL (lawyers, comedy) in the shape of GREY'S ANATOMY (drama, sex, character-focused). I don't know about everyone else, but I'm certainly ready for a show that's not procedural, medical, or a reality.

HAPPY TOWN

The preview began in a way that was frighteningly similar to the movie TWILIGHT, and ended like a trailer of a horror flick. Which are both No-No's in my book, but the fact that they are creating a TV series based on such a plot intrigues me. Here's the synopsis from TVrage.com:

"Seven years ago, an unknown psycho, nick-named 'The Magic Man' kidnapped seven children before Sheriff Griffin Conroy chased him away. But the discovery of a local's gruesome murder and the disappearance of a new child have everyone whispering the Magic Man is back. [...] A mysterious young woman has just arrived in town, and she's quietly searching for answers about her family's history."

GLEE and THE MIDDLE caught my attention as well. GLEE's pilot episode made me smile, the kind of smile I reserve for movies like THE MIGHTY DUCKS. But at the same time, a nagging voice in the back of my head kept whispering to me that this was just another version of the HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (shudder). Just as movie trailers can be highly deceiving, so can TV previews... only time (and Nielsen ratings) will tell. In my highly unqualified opinion, with the amount of coverage GLEE has gotten recently after the pilot, the show will either shoot through the roof with its success, or fail horribly.

2. New Movie Trailers:

"9": I can't help but think what a GREAT video-game "9" would make. As long as it is not created by the likes of EA, who are notorious for their cheap-looking games that shamlessly rip straight off of the movies, hastily slapping on game controls to characters without any notable consideration for ingenuity or complexity. Yes, that's a big generalization on my part, and I'm sure not all EA games suck. But the most that I've seen, the truly commercial movie-based ones that hit the stores suspiciously too soon after the movies open, have proven themselves highly disappointing.

3. New Soundtracks (on my iPod)

Angels & Demons (Hans Zimmer), Iron Man (Ramin Djawadi), Mother 2 (Keiichi Suzuki, Hirokazu Tanaka), Pride & Prejudice (Dario Marianelli)

NEW SOUNDTRACKS: T4, STAR TREK & MORE MCCREARY

2009-05-19T09:47:00.014-04:00

Just got my hands on the soundtrack of TERMINATOR SALVATION. How had I not known all this time that it had been Danny Elfman composing for the film!? Though I've got to admit, this was a pretty surprising discovery. As much as I worship Danny Elfman, he wasn't quite the composer I had expected to be picked for this film. What I mean to say is, I still associate the composer with playfully sinister tunes like NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, or with the bouncy jazz tracks in CORPSE BRIDE and CHICAGO. Then again, he has also composed for heavy films like THE KINGDOM and RED DRAGON, as well as action flicks like MI:. So I guess I should just shut up and take a listen to TERMINATOR before saying anything else.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to immerse myself in some Danny Elfman gloriousness, while getting some RL work done, all throughout the night.

Other new soundtracks on my iPod:
• STAR TREK (Michael Giacchino)
• THE SARAH CONNER CHRONICLES (Bear McCreary)
• EUREKA (Bear McCreary)

... yeah. Not exactly branching out.

WATCHING TERMINATOR

2009-05-09T23:56:00.029-04:00

Yesterday, after my 12-hour power nap, I got super excited by the Exclusive 4-Minute Clip of the upcoming TERMINATOR SALVATION. To me: Angst + Science Fiction = Perfection. Throw in some eye candy and voila!

I realized I didn't really remember much from the three TERMINATOR predecessors. All I remember is this dude sinking into the big pool of molten lava. So I think I'll go and watch those movies again. A great way to spend Sunday night, in my opinion.

+ Memorable moments from TERMINATOR 1:

- Arnold Schwazenegger's naked butt,

- Sarah Conner wearing a FLINTSTONES t-shirt,

- the bright purple lazor beams in the future sequences,

- the music used in the background.

+ Memorable moments from TERMINATOR 2:

- Arnold Schwazenegger's naked butt,

- Robert Patrick's naked butt.

+ I finally got my hands on TERMINATOR 3 and finished catching up with the series. Now I have my stories straight. Turns out I hadn't watched the third one before, so the shocking ending had its proper shocking effect, and one which I was surprisingly content with. So they couldn't prevent Judgement Day from happening after all. GOOD! I usually dislike the movies in which the past/present seems to be so easily rewritten or altered for the betterment of the future. Sometimes, I don't want all apocalypse to be prevented. I WANT to watch the apocalypse happen. I WANT to watch how one would react in such situations. This is why I loved BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. This is why I'm looking so much foward to TERMINATOR 4. For the first time, we will (hopefully) be able to witness the events of the post-apocalyptic future of the TERMINATOR world, and finally see John Connor as the revolutionary leader, and not some obnoxious kid or bad-ass punky homeless young adult.

By the way, what is it with making Terminator saying things like "Talk to the hand"? Why??? I had barely survived the "Hasta la vista, baby" line. With all the glorious dark and gloom that T4 previews have promised us, I hope the writers don't ruin it by making anyone utter those stupid Terminator lines. Yeah, I get it: it's a punchline, people remember them forever and ever, and a tribute to the first two films that is now considered as classic. But no. Please please please don't make Christian Bale say "Lasta la vista, baby."

ITUNES 10 BEST DRAMAS PICK

2009-05-08T21:31:00.017-04:00

It's always interesting to read and compare the "Top Ten" or "Best of the Year" lists that the mass media comes up with. Some lists are clearly biased, only focusing on major networks or affected largely by sponsor or copyright issues. Then there are lists made by genre fans, while others hail anything with guns and eye-candy federal agents. Some are just plain ridiculous and a testament of bad taste.

But in any case, lists are a lot of fun. There is a strange sense of relief and a bucket load of satisfaction involved in finding your favorite TV show or film making it to these lists.

(click screenshot to enlarge)

So the other day, I was browsing through iTunes and I saw that they had come up with their own Best list. I was thrilled because I had not seen Apple do this before. Apple, who deserves lots of kudos for creating one of the most user-friendly pages for movie trailers (w/ a neat, Apple-esque web design), which I have always preferred over any other trailer streaming sites, even that of iMDb. I decided that I liked everything that Apple does. And it's a pretty good list too. (Hoorah BSG!, while amused that ER made it on the list. But I suppose it is now THE medical show)

Of course, if Apple/iTunes was a little more honest, the list would actually be titled "10 Best TV Dramas that YOU CAN BUY ON iTUNES" but who cares about the minor details, right?

- word stuck in my head: "phallic"

- song stuck in my head: none today

10 CLICHES IN CRIME PROCEDURAL SHOWS

2009-05-01T12:21:00.014-04:00

1. A couple makes out passionately, then stumbles upon a corpse

2. When a child is kidnapped, the culprit is most likely a family member

3. Bikini-clad girls, dancers, wildly partying college students are more prone to finding a dead body than any other population type

4. At least one of the regular character has a family member who gets in trouble/makes trouble (and who's most likely an alcoholic or abuses drug)

5. At least once during the series the team would come across an abnormally intelligent sociopath/psychopath, who often develops a personal connection to a regular character

6. At least one of the regular characters either a) abused as a child, b) addicted to drugs, c) had gambling problems, d) was in foster care

7. At least one of the regular characters goes through a divorce, or has custody problems with an ex (or two)

8. There is always an episode where A kills B, only to later realize that B was his/her own child, parent, or turns out B had done something entirely different

9. At least one of the regular character has a family death

10. My friend Marzipan thinks the following interrogation scene has been seen on TV too many times to count:

Cop: Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you call the police?
Suspect: Because noone would have believed me!
(beat)
Cop: I would have believed you.

THEY SAY I'M WEIRD

2009-04-23T05:23:00.025-04:00

Long time no blog. I apologize to my readers, the three or four nice people who visit this humble abode where my cancerous thoughts thrive. I've been parasitically living off of blogs and web communities of other earthlings for these past few months... being obsessive, as usual. Now I feel like ranting, so here goes.

RANT DU JOUR

1. "Battlestar Galactica" The Complete Series DVD Set
Release Date: July 28th, 2009

Fan-frakking-tastic! According to The Live Feed blog entry, Season 4.5 DVD is going to include "13 hours of extras such as three extended episodes that never aired on television," as well as other fan cookies. THIRTEEN HOURS!

However, I'm a little disappointed by the design of the boxed set. I was hoping they'd somehow incorporate the BSG-style octagon trimming onto the box. Or have the seal of Galactica embossed. Instead, it is what it is--- a box. With a picture of the cast and the gleaming eye of a cylon slapped onto it. Not too impressed. I'm just hoping there is more to the box that we're not seeing from these released images.

2. Marvel Adaptations

They are making Spider Man 4. I want to snort derisively and ask if Spidey 3 didn't suck enough, but the third installment had swept its share of awards, including a BAFTA in special effects. I think my negative reaction toward Spidey comes purely from the fact that I'm growing wary of these Marvel movie adaptations. How many are there anyway? Eight? Ten?

But I'm really in no place to say such things. Much of the films that I love are adaptations from novels, graphic novels, and comic books. Like Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings Trilogy that I crazed over, scouring the internet for every little bit of behind the scenes information I can find, buying special collector's edition DVD sets and sitting through 10+ hours of commentaries. I love to rant on and on to my friends about the upcoming Tim Burton's adaptation of Alice in Wonderland (go here for a peek), or about the long awaited adaptation of The Road. Even the Ghibli Studio animation films that I worship, many of them are adaptations from existing literature as well. However, there is always a part of me that miss highly original contents like Pan's Labyrinth.

3.
Why is it so DIFFICULT to write to professors!? It's been on my To Do List on about seven different post-its around my apartment and office for about seven months now. Seriously. I need to just sit the fuck down and fucking write.

4.
I wish we had Netflix here in Korea. I've yet to find a decent DVD rental place, or even a store that sells a little more than just the usual Hollywood blockbuster movies. People seem to purchase everything online these days, something I'm trying to do a little as possible. I did see the complete DVD boxed set for FRIENDS the other day, and it was being sold for only about 130000 Won (approx. $100).

I dislike ending on an even number but I've nothing further to rant about. It's raining like hell and I love it. Time for some hot coffee, rain music, and quality weekend time with acrylics.

*

2009-04-10T04:27:00.002-04:00

"It may feel like hell, but sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don’t know your direction doesn’t mean you don’t have one." BSG 419

*

2008-11-05T02:06:00.003-05:00

the moment you realize you haven't been hugged in a long time
is when you need one the most

... like right now

*

2008-10-31T05:34:00.002-04:00

you know nothing.
i owe you nothing!

*

2008-10-25T15:57:00.005-04:00

who knew so much anger could reside within a small body of mere flesh, fluids, and bones. anger which fills up every corner and crack of the body, filling to the brim... when the body is shaken, or the ground on which it stands trembles, the anger spills, dripping to the side slowly, like blood, trickling down with painful stickiness that you would not expect of anger...

such is the anger which i carry around, always filled up dangerously to the brim, always ready to spill. perhaps if i may fall, i can empty myself of it,... and then what? what will fill me up? nothing else can be poured into my soul, nothing else is available on tap except for anger. i'm afraid to fall, afraid of emptying myself, even of anger.

don't fall.
i'm trying my best.

i fall.
i can't help it.

*

2008-10-24T03:52:00.004-04:00

people think i'm kidding when i tell them i'm half deaf.
as though they, with their two good ears, know what being whole is,
when in fact, i, with my lone ear, can only tell their whole is actually just the half of things.

*

2008-03-30T01:42:00.002-04:00

i'll do whatever i want.
you can't stop me.
even i can't stop myself.

*

2008-03-10T02:49:00.003-04:00

back to square one.
and square one is not a good place to be.

from square one you cannot see a thing
you can just barely make out the edge of square two,
not even a trace of square three yet.
not yet, not yet...

square one, with its sharp rocks and thorny shrubs
square one, with its cold wind and black clouds
is never a good place to be

hurry, hurry
to square two,
hurry,
to square three
away from square one

run always away from square one
it's never a good place to be.

*

2007-03-22T23:14:00.001-04:00

a long time ago, i used to search for something special.

but now,
i seem to frantically look around for anything. anything.

*

2007-03-04T17:31:00.001-05:00

a dream.

they wanted me. they darkend the skies with their presence, and told all who looked up to them that they were looking for me. what i was able to do, was what confirmed that it was truely me that they wanted. they threatened that they would kill, if i did not agree to give myself in to them. they did not tell me what they were going to do to me.

i think i was given a day to say my farewells. i said goobyes to my mother and father. it was a dark day for the people of my city, whose lives had been effected by the dark, looming presence in the sky.

i climbed, alone, to the tallest point in my city. i climbed up the muddy and cemented ground, up and up, into the cold night. lights of the city were shining brightly, but so were the lights of those mysterious beings who wanted me. i finally reached the top. on one side, i looked down at the bright buildings and homes. on the other side, there was the sea, shimmering under the reflected lights. i remember taking a one last, but good, look. absorbed what i saw, because it was to be my last. i was proud that i had the courage to give myself in. i was a sacrifice. i was going to be saving the lives of many. i was not worth the sum of their lives. i had to do this. and i knew, one day, this was going to happen. i was to be summoned. though i've never imagined it to be this way... but if it must be so, then so it shall be.

i walked down the darkened hall. the halls where almost everyone had died or ran away, except for a couple of resistant souls. i opened the door of a friend, but quickly closed it in fear of seeing the remnants of his soggy, bloated body. a pang of guilt. i should quickly go to them, let them have me, before any more deaths occur. somehow, their coming had caused much death already.

my fault.......

i opened to another door, and was relieved to see a friend, still alive. she was at her desk. when she saw me, she stopped what she was doing. we talked, and i mentioned the opening of the other room. she stood up from her chair and walked to her bed, and laid on it, her back facing towards me. she mumbled something, something about the deaths, mourning about our mutual friend. was it my fault? yes it was. i'm so sorry. i will go away. good bye. and i walked away.

i reached my destination. standing in front of their looming presence in the sky, where they were waiting for me.
i gave myself up for them.
i gave myself up for those who i loved and hated.
i was sacrificed.

*

2007-02-11T20:26:00.001-05:00

この世界が私を殺そうとしても
私はこの世界が好き。

*

2006-12-16T14:49:00.001-05:00

by the time i get the hang of things, it's always time for me to move on.

*

2006-11-29T02:02:00.001-05:00

floating.
scared.
unknowing.
something tugging at my neck.
something prodding my head.
something bubbling inside of me.

screaming, internally.
stopit stopit stopit.

tugging, prodding, bubbling.

*

2006-10-12T19:20:00.001-04:00

i shared with him my wings of clay, even if it meant the loss of my soul.

*

2006-10-08T05:00:00.001-04:00

the meaning of life is death, she said.
and for the first time... i was satisfied with that answer.

*

2006-10-02T02:02:00.001-04:00

i dreamt that i was being chased by a man, who held a chainsaw in his hands. the chainsaw was alive, its teeth baring and tearing at my skin.

i ran, down the stairs of an unkonwn building, down the endless steps, down and down.
the man with the chainsaw followed me down the stairs, swinging his chainsaw.
whenever i faltered and became closer to the mad man,
i felt the chainsaw ripping my back, my sides, leaving angry gashes in my skin.

i ran faster and faster down the stairs, and i saw that the basement floor was flooded with underground water. the man still chased me with his chaninsaw. i ran, and jumped into the water, hoping he wouldn't follow..............

then i woke up.
what a horrible, horrible dream.

*

2006-09-25T03:22:00.001-04:00

trapped in a box.

*

2006-09-23T03:22:00.001-04:00

give me a typewriter, i'll write. give me a paint brush, i will draw. give me a gun, i will kill. give me someone to love, i will care for that person.

otherwise, i don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
just tell me the answers, is that so hard?

*

2006-09-13T01:14:00.001-04:00

drawing fat old grumpy men is fun.

*

2006-09-05T04:37:00.001-04:00

they're just tears, no biggy. and tears are simply salty water. we have gallons of them here on earth already. what makes these tears so special?

...... actually, don't answer that question. some things are just better off not knowing. i have a feeling that this is one of them.

*

2006-09-03T23:42:00.001-04:00

give me those goddamn pills.
i'll pour 'em all into my heart
watch it sizzle and crackle
until my heart bursts with a quiet 'plop'.

*

2006-08-15T13:35:00.001-04:00

you can't choose them all, you selfish little git.
let them go.

no, don't let them all go, you idiot. you have to choose one that you like best, the one that makes your heart beat and your breath short, choose one that you might want to live with for the rest of your life. that's right, reach out for that one right there, there you go. not too big, not too small, it's just the right size. you've got a good eye for these things don't you. not as stupid as i thought you are. c'mon, gently now, cradle it in your arms, whisper sweet things to it. and never, ever hate it, or it will hate you back with a kind of hatred that you've never experienced before. yes, so complicated, i know. but trust me, you will not regret your choice. there you go, that's it. now walk away, and don't look back at the things that you've left behind. one little hesitation and it will throw itself out of your arms and onto the floor, and you may never see it again. you don't want that happening, do you?

just walk. just slowly walk away. yes.
good.

*

2006-07-26T03:54:00.001-04:00

bad luck with life and good luck with death

*

2006-07-13T13:19:00.001-04:00

she watched her fish bob up and down, dead.

*

2006-05-17T03:50:00.001-04:00

entering the little haven of the summer sun.

*

2006-05-10T21:11:00.001-04:00

knowing the end is near is not a pleasant feeling.
but knowing that after the end, there is another beginning, is...
i don't know. not too unpleasant.

i will miss this hallway.

a dream log

2006-05-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

may 8th, 2006
we were in war. we fought against them. and then i was elsewhere, and looking down into the well-lit city through the window. not far away i saw the oval building where a battle was taking place. i frantically looked through my pencil case, trying to find my weapon, and found it too many minutes later. then i looked for my amulet, which was found shattered into three pieces. i grabbed the largest piece and mummured the incantation, but the amulet had lacked power. just a little bit more, and i would be at the scene of the battle... so i desperately attached another shard to the one i was holding, so that the pieces connected to each other... and the two-thirds of the amulet began to shine, and the incantation was revealing itself, being written in light on the air...
and there i was, inside the dome building, slashing from above the body of the armored creature. SLASH. from the head to the foot, the black wiggling aura that surrounded the armored body flew outwards, shivered, and then disappeared. the two slashed parts of the body fell to the floor with a thump. only then did i realize i was surrounded and watched by a group of soldiers. and then it becaome a blur.

may 9th, 2006
i was the providence breaker. chased, i somehow ended up in a wooden shed with raquel and shannon where people awaited us. people who were on my side. and then, we were in a large ship. more and more allies came to defend the ship and the providence breaker, which was me. but somehow, i was pierced, and in raquel's hands, i faded with a flurry of shimmering lights. they mourned for me, but they did not know that i had not faded completely, and in fact i was floating outside the ship in my purest form. i swam around the sea, around the ship, swimming after its trail that headed for a far away city. i felt their mourning. then i entered the ship through its lower gate, a dark black gate. and i crept within the ship, floating in the air, through the many decorated, antique rooms, looking for the people i knew. i floated... and i think at some point i saw raquel and shannon, and they saw me. they rejoiced my rebirth. and then...

i woke up.

more doodles

2006-05-02T11:38:00.000-04:00

A: "take off your mask, let me see your face."
B: "... this is my face."

my days are currently filled with words and papers,
mixed together with a spoonful of bullshit,
with lots of coffee, tea and sugar,
topped with some cream and a cherry.
yum.

scrapped

2006-04-28T07:36:00.000-04:00

perhaps it's better not to remember, then.

too much

2006-04-26T00:35:00.000-04:00

too much, too much, aaaaaaah.

rain

2006-04-22T15:49:00.000-04:00

even the weather seems to know that we're in for a bit of gloom.
thank you for raining.

another leviism

2006-04-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

"And what about us?"
"We are wrong, and we know it, but we find it more agreeable to keep our eyes shut. Life does not have a purpose; pain always prevails over joy; we are all sentenced to death, and the day of one's execution has not been revealed; we are condemned to watch the end of those dearest to us; there are compensations, but they are few. We know all this and yet something protects us and supports us and keeps us away from the shipwreck. And what is this protection? Perhaps only habit: the habit of living that we contract by being born."

-from Westward, a short story by Primo Levi

I dont think I've suffered true unhappiness.
that thought makes me unhappy.
:(

stopp

2006-04-05T08:28:00.000-04:00

8:26 am. snowing and raining just stopped altogether.
shoulder started hurting.
just a bit sleepy.
empty, buzzing feeling inside my stomach, heart, and head.
oh, lord.

everything so late

2006-04-05T08:25:00.000-04:00

8:24 am. still writing my already-late papier. looked outside, and it's snowing and raining. did i mention it's april? goodness, everything is happening so late. sigh.

oodle

2006-04-04T04:58:00.000-04:00

doodled a bunch today. it makes me happy, doodling.

tree caged in a pot

2006-03-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

art is doodling,
and doodling is art.

i must be happy. i must be thankful. i must be doing my best. i must be studying. i must be eating, i must be sleeping. i must be talking. i must enjoy. i must achieve. i must dream. i must smile. i must listen. i must live like i have never lived before. but it all depends on what you mean by "i must". is it for you,

I MUST or

i must or

I MUST or

i must?

controlling your life

2006-03-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

you constantly think
you want to rewind your life
you want to forward your life.

but when you finally get hold of that remote control in your hands,
you will realize that the batteries are dead
and even if you can make it work,
there will only be one button-- STOP

(image property of this blog. steal it w/o permission and die)

here!

2006-03-12T07:54:00.000-05:00

someday, they're going to look for someone exactly like me,
and i am going to raise my hand and say
"here i am!"

but until the day comes.

2006-03-12T03:28:00.000-05:00

oh hail, to the joyous feeling of depression.

walk through a paved road,
waving to them,
telling them 'good-bye',
and open the wooden door
of twisted wood,
and fall.

good-bye, winter

2006-03-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

the heater finally refused to turn on today.

i guess it's spring now.
good-bye, my 20th winter.

and hello to my 21st summer.

which road

2006-03-09T19:22:00.000-05:00

i don't think i've ever had the chance to choose my own road. yet.

삶

2006-03-08T05:19:00.000-05:00

i know that there are a world full of those out there that are better than me. better minds, better personalities, better families, better environments, better pasts and future, better people. better until the word better leaves a bitter taste in my tongue.

알면서도, 왜 이렇게 괴로운건지.
알면서도, 왜 더 노력을 안하는건지.
알면서도, 왜 난 아무것도 안하는건지.

in the end, it doesn't even matter? oh, who are you kidding. in the end, all matters. and there's noone else to blame anymore. it starts with self, and ends with self. self destruction. self realization. self confidence. self pity. selfish.

so, ultimately... what?

simply cannot write

2006-03-03T03:10:00.000-05:00

too many things on my mind.
where did my mask go?

scribbling some more

2006-02-26T20:48:00.000-05:00

swimming underneath a sea of blank ideas and dead fish.

more more

2006-02-22T04:47:00.000-05:00

i realize more and more that the more you know, the more and more you become disappointed.

sitting and thinking

2006-02-08T03:10:00.000-05:00

sitting in my Holocaust class today, i had a thought.

i thought about why i hadn't written in a while, and why so. then, i thought that it was because there were very little things to write about, since not many things happen everyday that need to be written down of. then i thought, you know, Primo Levi was in a concentration camp. i thought, ripped from the World, stranded behind the electric fence, he can write pages and pages. what about me? shouldn't i write? i eat everyday, i sleep everyday under my warm covers, i learn, i speak, i laugh, i cry, i can even think whenver i want to. so why am i not writing? why do i have these needless thoughts about not being able to write? why do i pity my own self so much?

so i thought and thought and thought. and thought,
and thought,
and thought,
and thought,

until the word "thought" sounded strange in my head.
so i stopped thinking.

18

2006-02-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

"null achzehn"

a quote

2006-01-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

"he who loses all often easily loses himself"

another Primo Levi quote.

a good day?

2006-01-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

"... it is not a question of a human incapacity for a state of absolute happiness, but of an ever-insufficient knowledge of the complex nature of the state of unhappiness; so that the single name of the major cause is given to all its causes, which are composite and set out in an order of urgency. And if the most immediate cause of stress comes to an end, you are grievously amazed to see that another one lies behind; and in reality a whole series of others."

from Primo Levi's Survivial in Auschwitz

blueness

2006-01-17T14:05:00.000-05:00

feeling a bit blue. misty, damp blue that even a cup of coffee and chocolate cannot seem to penetrate. one of my fingers are bleeding too, from a cut. i'm not sure if there is a meaning to all of these misfortunes. there's probably none, which is depressing in itself. oh, well.

i don't know what i want to do.
i don't know what i want to do.
i don't know what i want to do.
i don't know what i want to do.
i don't know what i want to do.
i feel like if if i keep writing 'i don't know what i want to do'
i will someday know.
i will.
i will.
i will.

oh, who are you kidding.

much grumbling

2006-01-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

so i am back, and not exactly too pleased with the fact. but it's for the people, not for the place that i come back for. so i musn't complain much. instead, i will sit in my chair, and imagine myself holding my breath, until i turn purple and sour like a plum, and burst, the sticky goo flying all over the place, dripping onto the floor.

i already miss the nights, with two cups of steaming tea and pastries.

but i'm not unhappy, if that is what you are thinking. i don't know who you are, but you are wrong to think such thoughts. i may not be happy, but not unhappy. simply bemused, if i must choose a word. or stranged-out, if that may even be a word. but not unhappy.

nope, not unhappy.
though if i were so, i wouldn't have known anyway. i don't think i have suffered through a true unhappiness. and i'm not waiting.

so, um, yes.

14

2005-11-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

황혼 무렵에는 魔가 나타난다

seven in the morning

2005-11-14T07:01:00.000-05:00

so it's 7:01 AM. i have no idea why i'm still up. no, mind you, i didn't wake up, i stayed up. those who know me quite well would know i am very well capable of doing that. so yes. it's 7:04 AM, and i am awake.

the birds are beginning to churp annoyingly already. i am contemplating whether to stay up, go to classes, and then sleep until dinner. even if i sleep right now until 11 o'clock for my first class, i would take that afternoon nap anyway. might as well do some work now. and plus, if i stay up, i might even go to breakfast, and i never go to breakfast. people who know me eating breakfast would gawk at me if i enter the dining hall for some bagels and muffins. ahh, a cup of hot coffee and some muffins would be so nice...

but who am i kidding? i'm probably going to go to sleep. i would have four hours of sleep. then i would go to class. then i would probably doze. and then feel terrible afterwards. so typical of me. and the week begins.

it's been a bad, unproductive weekend. i was floating, unable to allow my feet to touch the earth, burnt out. i hate feeling burnt out. ugh. but i have four more weeks of classes, and i cannot stay burnt out. the show must go on. oui.

it's 7:14 AM.
i am going to......
i have no idea.

this time

2005-11-12T04:29:00.000-05:00

i'm not happy, but not unhappy.

one of those days

2005-11-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

itch, itch, itch.
scratch, scratch, scratch.
work, work, work.

you know, the usual.

just one of those days

2005-11-07T03:03:00.000-05:00

i actually am not satisfied with the previous post and had mulled over whether to delete it or not, but i won't. i sometimes don't know why i become so neurotic over such things, because i hardly consider myself a perfectionist over other, more important events in my life; studies, friends, families, simply dealing with my life in general, i slack. no perfection there. nope.

i can feel this entry becoming one of those really whiny ones. beware. since i have so much to say but can't handle writing them in one chunky block, i'll put it in a list format, in random order. hmm, maybe not so random, as i would guess that whatever pops into my head first would be the more important Whines. anyway, here we go:

Whine #1- my body has gone nuts. about a month ago, my legs had developed somesort of a rash that would itch and itch and itch. a trip to the health center and they gave me some sticky lotion to put on, that is simply really sticky and gross and gets all over my hand when i try putting some onto my legs, therefore resulting in my not using the lotion so much and in turn resulting in my rash getting worse. now my legs are in better condition, after forcing myself to scratch less, but now my arms are all itchy with rash. it's driving me nuts. it's driving me up the wall. and also very much distracts me from my studies, because i either scratch a lot or i concentrate so hard on not scratching that i can't concentrate on anything else. it's all very frustrating. rrg.

Whine #2- i met my first eestie-beastie yesterday night, while working at my desk. it was a really big one too. eestie-beasties are these horrible, centipede-like-but-with-less-number-of-leg creatures that are simply disgusting. too many legs, long antennas, likes to crawl up walls and just very, very gross. by the time i had gotten out of my shock, the eestie-beestie had fallen to the floor, and when i had followed it with my fat math textbook ( my special Weapon of Destruction for tresspassing bugs) it had dissapeared into the crack between the heater and the wall. after standing guard in front of the crack for many minutes, i decided to take action and promptly taped over the cracks with scotch tape. i am getting some duct-tape tommorow and will finalize my Anti-Eestie-Beastie Mission by taping over all the cracks in my room. i despise those things. i keep staring at the portion of the wall that wretched thing crawled up to now. i feel so insecure in my room now. it is no longer a safe place.

Whine #3- a series of temporary depressions have hit me every few hours or so in the past few days, in which i start to mentally hyperventilate and drink lots and lots of tea. it's difficult to explain the reason why, and so i won't. it has to do with studies though. academia. work. knowledge. just makes me depressed thinking about those words. ugh.

Whine #4- my wrists hurt. they ache. i think it's because i type too much and i've been scratching at my rash too much. too much wrist-action, i guess..... which could mean so many things, but let's not go into that.

Whine #5- i cannot find that book, "fireball". i really miss it. an attempt at finding it on Abebooks.com turned out to be a failure.

Whine #6- i wish That Person would realize.

Whine #7- i wish i could become a better person. really.

the things

2005-10-28T01:26:00.000-04:00

the things i do
the things i see
the things i feel
the things i deal (with)
the things that i ignore
the things i eat
the things i say (very little of)

and most importantly, The Things themselves. i have so much fear for Them, and They seem to enjoy frightening me. Boo. screaming. lots of screaming, pulling of hair, tearing of the scalp and the decomposing of the skin tissues. Boo. my bones shatter. my eyes move left and right, left and right, my torso spinning to see who's behind, hiding behind, ready to stab my back, my eyes moving left and right as i look for the letters H-E-L-...

H-E-L-L...

H-E-L-P...

H-E-L-L-O...?

boo.

two circles and a drop of blood

2005-10-23T23:44:00.000-04:00

i've just only realized how difficult it is to draw blood from your thumb.
i'm a coward.

you are what you think

2005-10-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

She looked into the mirror, and scowled at what was in there. Sitting cross-legged in front of the mirror, she pointed a finger at It. It pointed back.
“ I don’t like you.”
It replied, “ Like you, I do.”
“ You’re not pretty, you’re not smart and you’re not rich. What good are you?”
It replied, “ Good, you are.”
They sat, staring at each other. Shaking her head, feeling miserable, she told It,
“ I got a C on my English paper today.”
Nodding happily, It replied, “ Me too.”
“ I am terrible at English. My teacher must hate me.”
It replied, “ Terrible, I am. Hate me.”
“ I got detention because I didn’t do my history homework. It was awful.”
It replied, “ Awful, I am. Homework, do.”
“ But I hate doing my homework. I hate school. It’s a waste of time.”
It replied, “ Hate, a waste of time.”
“ I wish I was pretty, smart and rich.”
It replied, “ Pretty, smart and rich, I am.”
Crying, she asked It,
“ But am I any good?”
Smiling, It replied, “ Good, you are.”
“ You’re lucky to be the opposite of me.”

It replied, “ You are me.”

-written about two years ago

the fruit palace

2005-10-17T04:19:00.000-04:00

"...you wanted the truth and all i've done is tell them lies."
the fruit palace, Charles Nicholl

it just did

2005-10-13T00:13:00.000-04:00

i decided not to believe in Coincidences.

wrong, wrong, wrong

2005-10-09T05:24:00.000-04:00

did something very bad today, but i did not even feel a thing.
i guess that's bad... ?

mermaids do exist, said my mom

2005-10-05T03:19:00.000-04:00

there is a girl i know, who believes that mermaids are real. when asked why, she would tell me it is because her mother said so. when i comment that all grown-ups lie to their children at some point, she would tell me that her mother does not have enough imagination to make up a story about mermaids.

oh well. what can i say to that? maybe we're all wrong and her mother is right.

greedy

2005-10-05T00:03:00.000-04:00

the greedy pigs in George Orwell's Animal Farm.
doodling greediness was quite interesting.

if i were a pig in that Farm, wouldn't have i done the same thing?

on a brighter note: tea

2005-10-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

"Orwell understood the magical powers of tea. A well-brewed cup, he wrote, can make you feel wiser, braver and more optimistic. He preached that the only way to drink tea was strong and sugaless, and preferably brewed with Typhoo Tips tea bags."

from Finding Geroge Orwell in Burma, Emma Larkins

it was just a game

2005-10-02T04:05:00.000-04:00

they used to play this game on me. simply a game. a cruel game.

it was a game i only allowed few people to play. only the few people i cared about. which, now that i think back on those days, i should have been smarter about. i was loyal to them, but were they loyal to me? i had no idea. i still don't now. but back then, it was a question that could not be questioned, and probably, would not have been answered.

pretty sad, really.

the game went something like this. a person was chosen to be the "Wind". the Wind is then ignored by the rest of the players. whatever the Wind does, the players would say, "Did you feel the Wind?" whatever the Wind says, they would say, "Did you hear the Wind?" it was a game of permitted ignorance. ignoring. to ignore and be ignored.

i was naive. i was always the Wind.

i let them. i was so starving for somekind of relationship with the people around me, i accepted all kinds of treatment that, to myself in the present day, would not have allowed. i look back at those days occasionally, and i shake my Past and ask her why. why? why?

why did you let yourself become a wind? why did you let yourself be blown away? you pathetic piece of shit, did you really think they cared for you at all?

no one cares about the Wind. that was the point of the game. a point i never understood, or refused to understand. but sometimes... even now... i feel the Wind inside me, convulsing, ripping me apart, tearing my skin to escape.

and i always, always hear the Wind, no matter how much they ignored it.

a display name

2005-09-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

これからどの世界へ行きますか?

sekai

2005-09-19T03:51:00.000-04:00

nothing too important.
just the beginning of a world.
my world.

the world does not wait for you

2005-09-10T20:11:00.000-04:00

(cut)

perhaps it was good that i did not talk to her.
i would not have known what to say.
i would have gone deaf.
i would have gone mute.
i would have gone blind.
and i still would not know how she felt...

school boy

2005-09-05T03:00:00.000-04:00

he was just a school boy...

in the end, perhaps

2005-09-04T23:32:00.000-04:00

"...if I'd lived in a better society I'd have believed myself free. I would never have discovered the reality inside me. But instead I was born into this hell, and was forced to discover my own peace. Perhaps, in the end, we're lucky here..."

(excerpt from Across White Russia)

one sunny friday afternoon

2005-09-02T13:02:00.000-04:00

i was reading through some of the blogs of those whom i knew, and wondered why my entries were not half as interesting to read as theirs. as the quite pointless question popped into my mind, the Little People (imagine the Oompa Loompas) who live and work in my Head all raised their tiny hands eargerly to answer the question.

i will not go on to elaborate what the answers were, but only to tell you they had a lot to do with a duck named Chicken, who lives in pond R.

...well, not really.

and then just yesterday, i had someone of high authority over my life here at the school of owls tell me, "you seem to be enjoying yourself as 000000000." she said it like i shouldn't be. oh well. like i care what people tell me anyway.

...but i do.

backe

2005-08-27T02:05:00.000-04:00

back i am to the school of owls, 13 hours of airplane ride across the oceans from my home at city T. i got a whole, shiny, big room to myself. now i need to fill it up.

up, up, up, and until i can fly away... until i hit the invisible bars of my cage.

two dreams (part II)

2005-08-22T05:32:00.000-04:00

(this is Part II of "Two Dreams". to read Part I, start from the entry below this one)

two. i was leading them, against Them. we were losing. They were climing up to our walls, up to our forts, and soon i saw their heads poking up. They had their faces painted like clowns, with lines and shapes covering their faces. some may have simply been blood dripping from their wounds on their eyes. They shot towards us Blood Bombs, and i was yelling out orders. we were losing the battle. i had never lost a battle. then They were standing up on our penetrated forts, arrows aiming towards me. i attacked, trying to kill as many as i could. i swung my weapon wildly, trying to block as many bombs as i could. as i yelled for my team to fall back, a few arrows pierced my waist. the wounds were not life-threatening.
we had lost the battle.
grabbing my waist wound, i tore through the building, looking for my captain. i was sure he would understand the loss. i looked from door to door, looking for him. when i had reached him, though, he was not alone. he was with another woman, about my age, and they were talking casually. the woman was packing, not as if to retreat a battle, but for a vacation. i was confused.
then the captain noticed me standing there, wounded and tired. hurt. he seemed to be annoyed at my presence. i told him that we lost the battle. that i did my best, that the enemy had too much Blood Boms compared to us.

he told me, "you are a miserable thing."
then he walked out of the room with the woman, not looking back.

i could not remember what my position was, but it had a name everyone knew. i was proud of my position as the leader of my team. but now i cannot even remember my name.
i walked back, dizzy, into the Main Room, where there were wooden signs throughout the room, congratulating promotions and recording wins and losses. i desperately tried to look for my own, but i could not find any.
then a close friend, i'll call her K. K came up and took me away. soon, i found myself in comfortable pants and a pullover. i was tired. K. insisted we go for something to eat. we entered a mall-like place, with restaurants. as we approached the escalators, a guy came up to me, and asked me,
"aren't you 00000?"
i could not remember my name, but i realized after he had gone ( i had given him silence as answer) that he was referring to me. i felt a pang.
K. grabbed me by my hand and we were on the escalator to the 2nd floor. she asked me what i wanted to eat, and i shrugged. then we both caught someone we knew. her name was Liza, and she was the right-hand of the Captain. she was much older than us, and she was well respected. she did not see us, and we soon lost the sight of her.
for some reason, i wanted to talk to her.
i did not see her on the 2nd floor restaurant, so i told K. that i didn't want to eat there. we went up to the 3rd floor, and Liza was there. K. went up to her, me trailing slowly behind her, and apparently K. had asked Liza, who was eating alone, to join us. i was glad. she came over to our table, and sat to the left of me.
then a group of people i barely knew entered the restaurant, talking loudly. they were talking about The Battle. the one i had lost. they talked about the Blood Bombs, and they mentioned my name that i could not remember. i don't think they recognized me with my hair loose and without my uniform. as my name was mentioned, i felt sick and put down my chopsticks.
K. asked me if i always eat so little. i told her that i usually eat a lot. i also told her i just didn't feel like eating. suspicious, K. asked me if i ever threw up my food. i told her no. Liza was listening.
as my name was mentioned by the loud group of people, i had mumbled "oh god" and swept my forehead with my right hand. Liza suddenly leaned towards me, and put her own hand on my forehead.
"you look different, 00000"
i stared at her, not knowing what she meant by that. what was my name again?
K. told Liza that i had cut my hair and that it was pulled loose. Liza nodded, still looking at me.
then she mentioned The Battle, and said my name again.

"the Battle of Blood, that's what they're calling it?" i said, not really asking.
"yes," Liza answered, "you were there."
i did not say anything. K. knew not to talk about The Battle. i had already told her what the Captain had said to me. i almost wanted Liza to know too.
"i don't know if i'm still..." i stopped, unable to remember my name.
K. told Liza, "They had more Blood Bombs than allowed." Liza nodded, understanding, or perhaps already knowing and simply confirming the information. i was glad she understood.
i felt sick again. Liza noticed me grabbing onto the table, knuckles tightening.
"00000?"
"... i am a miserable thing."
K. stopped eating, and looked up. Liza gave me a quizzical look at my mumbling.
then from where i sat, i saw the guy who had approached me on the 1st floor, calling my name.

the world went black.

two dreams (part I)

2005-08-22T01:50:00.000-04:00

one. one thing led to another and i was supposed to be performing a test for somesort of herbology class. i was the new girl in class, thus was objected to some cruel teasing by fellow classmates, which was (i hoped) quite harmless in the beginning, but unfortunetly disabled me from performing the test. so when i had finally unlocked the fence door that they had locked me in, many of the people already had found the large dried leaf that one needed to pick up the squirming, tongue-like organism, each one of them earning the person a point toward the test.
i had no idea how to find such a leaf, and not many of them were willing to show me where. then i saw several pulling a conical-shaped fruit-like object from a huge jungle of dangerous-looking tropical plants that were populating in great masses here and there around the enclosed dome-like space we were in. one would then cut the two thick cords that links the fruit to the main tree, thus killing the living organism that lives within the conical-shaped object. i would soon figure out that it is this layer of leaves that creates the conic shape that was used to perform the test.
though by the time i had realized all this, most of the people had already gotten six, seven or even eight points whereas i had none. and due to my tardiness, many of the conical-shaped fruit had already been found and used, and i could find no more of them. i was running around, and panicking.
then i decided that i would ask the teacher, who was a handsome middle-aged man with streaks of gray hair, for some help, being the new student in class and pretending i had no idea what was going on. apparently, the teacher knew me and as i approached him to ask, gave me a strange, studying look. he told me i was excused from the test, but that i should try and find this conical-shaped fruit anyway. we were by this time standing by a wall opposite from the main field of topical plants, and only a few steps from the teacher and me there was a small but deep pool of water.
the teacher pulled something like glittering string from the neck of my long, sweeping coat, asking me what it was. i did not give him an answer because somehow it was a secret that i did not want people to know about. instead, i pulled up the neck of my coat tighter around me, and turned around to walk away.
right that moment, a mermaid-like creature jumped up from the lake and attacked me. we wrestled on the ground. i roughly pushed its head and arms from grabbing my shoulders, and with one leg on its back and one pushing in to its stomach, i twisted my legs so that the creature gave a spin, and with a flip the creature went splashing into the lake again.
i got up, to find the teacher and another man, younger, staring at me. as i quickly walked away, i heard the younger man whispering loudly to the teacher, "she ought to get points for that flip".
then suddenly i was elsewhere, with Kate Todd as my supervisor. i was in somesort of a medical facility, in a room where there were a large bunch of those conical fruit that i was supposed to attain at least one of. with encouragement from Kate, i approached one small fruit and started pulling at it. then i was suddenly in between two medical students in lab coats, each from the two countries that i happened to speak the languages of. so pretending (somehow i was not supposed to let them know i was taking the fruit for a test) i was also a student there, i casually talked to the two students, telling them i needed one for a class of mathematics. one of the students became suspicious, asking my why he had never seen me around before, to which i replied i was new. the other simply kept asking me if i wanted to go to church with him.
then somehow, intead of getting the fruit, my objects were to retrieve any medical file to be used for an experiment or a test (that was also apparently going to help me pass my fruit test). i finally was able to retrive two or three files, and walked out of the room into a hallway, with Kate trailing behind. one female student suddenly approached me and asked me who i was and why i need the medical files, and i replied with a string of lies.
she then told me, "what if what you're telling me is not true?"
i answered, "well then... i'll just give these files back to you."
once Kate and i were outside, we were met with an alarming scene: there was a airplane in the middle of the field and surrounded by a great amount of people... which turned out to be all of the people that Kate and i had lied and stolen properties and informations from during missions. confused, we walked toward the plane, with people around us demanding us back the objects we took from them. once inside the plane, we noticed many other people boarded with us. we sat down side by side near the window, Kate on the windowseat, me towards the aisle. we were sure we were being punished, having somehow failed our mission. then through my labtop, we watched a video showing the very scene we were caught in, when the video suddenly showed the plane and people on the field blazing up with fire. then the screen was filled with Xs, as my labtop lost internet connection. then we were reprimended for using the labtop by an authoritative man. then i squirmed in my seat, uncomfortable.

then i woke up.
then i fell back to sleep again.

time to move on?

2005-08-18T09:04:00.000-04:00

i keep having packing nightmares. well, not really a nightmare, if i must clarifiy. simply a bad dream that is not quite so simple if you think about it. though, i guess it is sort of pointless to even give it thoughts, 'tis only dreams... right?

in these packing dreams, i am back in my dorm room, with less time than i need to pack. either i run out of time, or i run out of boxes, or i run out of trunk space. whatever the reason it, i become desperately desperate, incapable of knowing anything else but the fact that i am losing a desperate battle against Time and Preparation.

and the worst part is, such feeling of desperation is strikingly too familiar, everytime, whether in dreams or in real life.

what an awful realization it is.

hmm

2005-08-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

a flash of lightening. roared the thunder bolts. then not even without a few drops of warning, rain began to pour. and you may think this is a beginning to a cheesy horror story, but bless ye, it is not. it is instead, a cheesy diary entry. very cheesy. and wet. it is raining outthere, and i am glad to be inside.

so, um, here i am. back from a month visit to a certain country that serves ciders in pints. good pub food, too. dining hall food at the college was not too fantastic. what a month it was. and what a horrible time on the plane back i had; i had burst into tears in frustration by the time i had managed to escape from the suffocating airport security. that was stressful.

but now, here i am. with AC on, with internet on the tips of my fingers, with my stomach full, with an ache on my shoulders from sitting in one position too long. in less than a month, i will be elsewhere, probably in this exact same position, but without the AC. tell you a secret? not looking forward to the no-AC bit.

it is raining a lot now. you know it is, when you can hear water slamming into the windows, when you can hear big, fat, plops of rain.

wow, this was a pointless entry of pointless ranting. but being pointless, that was the point.

spying on the 100th floor

2005-07-06T12:35:00.000-04:00

i dream often of being in the elevator, and arriving on floors that i did not intend on getting off. i remember once that i had gone straight down, deep down beneath the earth into a basement floor, where i had stepped into somesort of a bar (instead of, i think, a bathhouse)of florescent black and pink, with people who felt not unlike Devils.

another elevator dream, just yesterday, i was trying to reach my apartement on the 29th floor, frustrated by someone, but instead with a group of people inside, the elevator led us to the 100th floor, apparently a floor we were not supposed to see.

there on the 100th floor, some sort of a demonic cult resided, and a few of them saw us in the elevator before we could force ourselves down the shaft again. and then someone, i think we called her Helen, had dissapeared right there in the elevator, and we had believed the members of the cult had taken her. and then i had reported this to my supervisor (don't ask) while i had sensed someone listening behind the windows...

elevator dreams. i always wonder how they end.

copy and pasted

2005-07-05T11:48:00.000-04:00

a sunny day, and a slightly shitty day it was, as i write, sighing inwardly with deep regret for unregrettable events. and the wireless spot that i found on the tip of my aunt's bed a few days ago isn't working tonight, cotinuing Today's dark plot to darken my day, another regretful sigh.
the darkest event that has happened to me today is that my favorite machenical pencil broke. snapped on the tip, where i had clicked to write for the last four years. or three. it was a yellow mechanical pencil, with a poor dinosaur named Pric on the top, blowing a saxophone. it was my sword...

and i don't believe that breaking of a favorite object is a good omen. unless it's the breaking in of a vault full of gold with a sign on the door saying "Take Me," i hardly consider my situation lucky. last time i had to lose my pencil, it had suddenly dissappeared from the ugly face of the Earth one day during IT class. that was frustrating. i looked everywhere for that mechanical pencil, a thin, wooden one, everywhere, everywhere, and had found absolutely no trace of it. that was a sad, confusing day for me. not to mention frustrating. and now that feeling is overwhelming me slightly... i tell myself, at least i have the pieces of my pencil. oh, my yellow dinosaur pencil. why hast thou broken? thou breaks my hearte along withe thee...

on a brighter, and slightly creepy note, my cousin is sleeping beside me with her eyes open. creeepy.